More Like Him

How beautiful is that we serve a God who cares about what we are feeling and what we are going through. I am reminded of this as I face feelings of inadequacy in my relationships. It is such a comfort to know that when it feels that all hope is gone, that Jesus is sitting right there with me through all of the ugly crying and all of the heartache.

In the past, whenever a relationship was making me feel small or lesser than, I would resort to bitterness and hatred. I would allow my heart to disconnect from that person so that I could quit feeling the pain that I was experiencing. I used to believe that this was the only solution. I would maybe pray over it once but whenever it was not solved the next day, I would feel that I had to solve it myself. Blocking out those people in my life seemed to solve those feelings of smallness, though only for a little while. Sadly, I bought into the lie that I should only care for those that made me feel cared for.

I recently started a devotional that has been discussing forgiveness. It highlights how Jesus left his throne to come and be the perfect example for us of a perfect patience and steadfast love. Reading that left me in complete awe. To realize that the only perfect man to ever exist would continue to forgive, pursue, and be patient with me even when I would fall short time and time again. This led me to think of how I had been unfair to people throughout my life. I was holding them to a fairytale expectation of how they should be treating me and what our interactions should have looked like. Whenever those relationships did not fall into my cookie cutter mold, I would allow those misconceptions to alter my own self-image which led to me feeling inadequate. Because of how the other person was acting or not acting towards me, I would slowly change things about myself to try to seem more appealing to the other person even though nothing had ever been said to me. I gave up on relationships because they were not what I expected or envisioned and ended up removing myself from so many wonderful experiences.

I have also been reminded that my identity is not found in how others perceive me, nor is it found in how I think others feel about me. I may not have a close relationship with each person that I come in contact with, and I may only get to experience what I perceive to be a surface level relationship with some people, but I can still love them and try to make them feel appreciated rather than inadequate. By shifting my focus from how I am feeling, I can focus on how I am making others feel. I can stand confident in who God made me to be and I can help others feel the same way about themselves. Whenever I am confronted with those feelings of inadequacy, I can turn my attention to how I can help someone else rather than allow those negative thoughts to rule my day.

I am continuously overwhelmed with how gracious the Lord has been to me as I step back and look at my life. He has continued to be patient with me as I learn how to show others grace. He has continued to love me with a steadfast love even when I was not very loving towards others. He continues to chase after me even when I have decided to give up on others. My prayer is that the Lord would make me more like Him: more gracious, more loving, and more compassionate towards others, no matter how they have made me feel. Our feelings are not bad as long as we do not let them determine our actions. Our God is a God of second chances, and third and fourth and fifth chances, so why can’t we act in that same way towards others?