Not My Plan

I try to be transparent on my blog because I believe that putting on a front is harmful in our current society. It's dishonest in my opinion, to try to make others think that you feel one way when in reality, you feel the complete opposite. This transparency is something that I have really had to force myself to do because of course, as humans, we want others to think that everything in our lives is going great. But I've had to learn these past few months that making big decisions is hard. Getting bad news is hard. Your plan not working out is hard. And sometimes, still praising God through the hard is, well, it's hard, but by being transparent, I have found that I do not have to do these hard things alone.

Several weeks ago, I began thinking about my plan. I had felt the nudge from what I believe was the Holy Spirit to consider graduating early. I was nervous to change my plan. I didn't want to accelerate my college plan because I knew it meant lots of changes. Moving back in with my parents, leaving the home I've created in College Station, and leaving my college friends were all things that were on my mind. On the other hand, it also means that I can be back with my family and hometown friends who I've missed so much as well as save some money. I began praying, talking with those I trusted, and I set up a meeting with my college advisor to see if it was even possible to graduate early. I told God that if He wanted me to do this, then whenever I met with my advisor, she would give me the green light and we would do it, but if this wasn't in His plan, that whenever I went to my meeting, she would say "no can do." But God made himself clear whenever I showed up to that meeting and she told me that it was possible. So I took on the extra class hours, made plans to move back in with my parents next summer, and started imagining how different life will be a year from now.

As y'all know already, I had an ultrasound last week to check out my uterus. I walked in with lots of fears and anxieties. To be honest, I walked out with lots of fears and anxieties as well just because I had to wait on the results of the ultrasound. The next day, my doctor messaged me with the results and she described the ultrasound as "normal" at the same time that she confirmed that I do have PCOS. It frustrated me and agitated me to the core to hear my doctor describing PCOS as normal because I know that not having a period is not normal and I wanted answers. I was afraid that if she saw the ultrasound as normal, that she would not have any solutions for me in my current situation. And while I did acknowledge the blessing that a clear ultrasound was, not having immediate answers concerning my PCOS was not what I was wanting to hear. I found myself needing to stay distracted so that I would not overthink what could possibly come next.

This week, I met with my doctor to follow-up after the ultrasound. I still had the fears and anxieties but I hoped that she would at least have some direction for me instead of just saying "tough." I sat down with her and she truly listened to me. She first suggested that I continue on either a birth control or progesterone medication so that I can have a period and while I would rather not take any medications, I know that if nothing else works, that I would chose to go back on birth control over any other form of hormonal medication. She then suggested that I lose some weight. And let's be honest, I know that I put on the freshmen fifteen. Lots of people do whenever they move out on their own. And I know that losing some weight would benefit me in lots of ways, but concerning my PCOS, losing even just 10-20 pounds could kickstart my body into having a natural cycle again. So my doctor referred me to another doctor who can help me get my weight down to a healthier number after I made it clear to her that I would be on board with losing weight as long as it came off naturally. This trial and error is not what I was wanting but at least she has given me some direction on where to go next and even though this appointment did not go as I had wanted it to so badly, I know that having some direction of where to go next is good news nonetheless.

Through all of these hard moments, I've been so blessed to have my family and friends loving me and praying with me constantly. Making big decisions that affect me and those around me is hard. Not getting the answers that I want is hard. And not having your plan go accordingly is hard. But all of this has taught me that patience and prayer can be my best friend whenever you are navigating rough waters. So even though none of this was my plan, I know that the ultimate plan-maker is going to make a way for all of this to work out for my good, whether I see it now or not.